Navigating Breakups and Discovering Your Values with Sam Pfotenhauer
EPISODE #28: Navigating Breakups and Discovering Your Values with Sam Pfotenhauer
In this episode, Leah brings on her friend Sam Pfotenhauer to talk about navigating breakups and discovering your values. She discusses all of the following:
1:01 Human Design inquiry
7:01 How Sam and Leah met
9:57 Why Sam called off her wedding two weeks before her wedding
13:36 Coming to terms with breaking up with your partner
15:50 Finding your values
30:18 Tips for healing after a breakup
Leah, 5/1 Sacral Generator, and Sam, Manifesting Generator, discuss all things relationships and using your human design type to navigate breakups. The pair share how they met and have become such close friends. Sam tells listeners what made her intuitively decide to call off her wedding. The pair explore tips on how to live in alignment, find your values, and heal from breakups.
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IG: @thedesignofyou / @leahmccloud
Intro/Outro song is 6am by Young Mooski
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:35]
Leah: Hello, guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Design Of You. I am here to bring you a really interesting episode. I don't know. I'm saying interesting. It's a very interesting, just a very fun episode to talk about something different than I've done on this podcast. I mean, this is https: otter. ai Um, like less than 30 episodes I've done now, um, in the past year, that actually sounds kind of like a bigger number than you'd think.
[00:01:01]
Leah: But in a year, I'm like, I could have put, put out like a hundred at this point, but I guess if I'm doing one a week, that's only 52. But what I've mostly been focusing on, as you guys know, if you've been tuning in is lots of human design related content. And if you're here and you haven't listened to my human design episodes because you're not interested in human design.
[00:01:18]
Leah: I invite you to go back and listen to all of my human design episodes, because I really think that you have an opportunity to learn about yourself through human design. And the way that I break it down in a lot of my episodes, I think is really cool. And I talk a lot about like personal things and, you know, stuff that even Sam and I talk about today in other episodes.
[00:01:39]
Leah: And it's, it's just funny. And I'm saying this because my dad was just visiting. And he hasn't tuned into a lot of my episodes and is actually a couple of my friends and even Zander like, yeah, I haven't listened to your podcast lately. It's been a lot of human design content. And I'm like, I listen to it though.
[00:01:55]
Leah: It's very valuable information and it's not hard to follow. All you have to do is look up your chart and then look at what thing you have. It's listed right next to your chart. So if I'm talking about authority, it'll say authority and what yours is. If I'm talking about profiles, a profile, what yours is.
[00:02:09]
Leah: And if I'm talking about channels, it'll say channels and list your channels. So all of those episodes are really valuable. And I, I share lots of personal things throughout those episodes too. So definitely. If you're just like wanting these more like spiritual or just like general, like wellness conversations that I plan to be doing actually a lot more now that we've gone through this, like foundational series and human design.
[00:02:30]
Leah: So I, if you like this kind of stuff, you will like those episodes too. So just wanted to call that out and also, you know, just announced to you guys that I am going to be doing a lot of episodes moving forward. That are kind of in all the realms because the design of you is absolutely a human design brand and business, and I have a lot of stuff that I'm working on in the human design space, and I want to share all of it, but, and I'm not, I've said this before, I don't want to be that person that's like, there's so much happening behind the scenes and just have you guys like sitting at the edge of your seat, and I'm like annoyed that I'm not sharing it because I think that's irritating, but there are things that I'm working on that just, I can't talk about because I don't know if they're going to actually come to fruition because there's lots of like conversations that have to happen and things.
[00:03:15]
Leah: But yeah, so the design of you is very much a human design brand, but I will say that it's also a place to learn about you, the design of you. So whether that's through human design, spirituality, If you know me personally, I'm a big wellness girl, so I also talk a lot about wellness and things and so this episode is going to be really fun because I'm talking with my really good friend, Sam, who I met and I think we talk a lot about this.
[00:03:40]
Leah: I know we do. In fact, I just relistened the episode because we recorded this in July and today is Monday, September 18th. I just launched last this. There's an episode that I just launched a few hours ago. That was from last week that I had to edit a little bit. So if you haven't listened to my psychic awakening, listen to that one too, because I talk about my mentor, Emily, who's also mentored Sam.
[00:04:01]
Leah: And I mentioned this at the end of this episode as well with her, but what's really just exciting is having someone that I've met through the human design community and Sam's truly just like my internet friend. Um, but we've met in person and I just absolutely adore her and I really think that you guys are going to love Sam.
[00:04:21]
Leah: If you do not like know who she is, I mean, follow her. You'll listen. You'll, I don't, I don't know. I don't even have to sell you guys. Like once you listen to her, you're going to be like, she's just someone you want to learn from because she's brilliant. And just one of those people, I'm really trying to cultivate more friendships with people that I admire because I've realized lately that.
[00:04:41]
Leah: I've got a lot of friends, uh, lots of friends, and I'm really proud of that. I've got lots of amazing people in my life, but I'm raising my bar a little bit. I'm trying to increase my standards and not that I can't be friends with certain people, um, and I'm going to like end friendships or anything like that.
[00:04:56]
Leah: I think there's friends for different seasons and different reasons. We lead on different people for different things, and I've just been evaluating my friends. I, not even just recently, this has been like, like a two year, three year kind of cycle I've been moving through, but it's something I'm revisiting again.
[00:05:12]
Leah: And I want friends and people in my life that I'm really inspired by and that are doing things that I want to be doing and that I want to hype up. And I've realized that. There are a good handful of people in my life that I, I don't admire and I don't look up to, um, I leave sometimes after hanging out with friends and I have conversations with Zander where I'm just like, yep, I, you know, that person doesn't really do it for me or, you know, and, and I'm obviously very empathetic, understanding human because of what I do with human design and, you know, I really believe that, you know, people are, everyone's doing their best.
[00:05:48]
Leah: I'm getting off on a tangent at this point, but everyone is really doing their best and people are, you know, just because someone was a close friend of yours at one point doesn't mean that they need to be a close friend of yours at a certain period in your life when you're just different. People grow.
[00:06:01]
Leah: Change and evolve and all the things so why I'm saying this is because Sam is someone who I deeply admire and when we got connected Immediately, I just felt like she was one of those people that I want her around. I want to get to know her She does, she lives a brave life, and she's courageous, and she's built a beautiful business, and she has really strong values, and she's a great friend, just a great person, all around it just somewhat incredible, and I want more people like Sam in my life, and yeah, and I think that you guys would love her too, so I'm excited to share this episode with you, and so, Without further ado, I'm not going to give any like major personal updates because there's really nothing crazy going on.
[00:06:48]
Leah: And I think that this episode is just awesome. So let's just get in to the episode with my dearest Sam.
[00:07:01]
Leah: All right, guys, we're back with Sam, my dearest friend, and she is going to be sharing with us so much about her journey through just change and staying grounded through change, um, in the past several months. And so I'm excited for you guys to hear her story, Sam, how are you?
[00:07:19]
Sam: Hi, Leah. I'm doing great. I'm recording this from Portland, Oregon.
[00:07:24]
Sam: I just arrived here yesterday and I'm so excited to be talking with you, Leah. And I've, um, for those tuning in, have been friends for a while. Now we met through human design, both human design readers, and we met via Instagram probably like a year and a half ago. Yeah, I think, yeah, about a year and a half ago, maybe a little bit before that, I remember it was like fall ish, like 21, I think, and, um, and we've just stayed, became really good friends, stayed good friends, and it's been really wonderful to see each other kind of like grow on, um, it's been wonderful for me, Leah, to watch you grow on your path.
[00:08:05]
Leah: Thank you. It's been so fun to just connect with you. I, I've, I've told Sam this before, but I feel like she and I have like a soul connection in some way. She's like my soul sister and she's someone that. I, you don't get this with a lot of people, but you are one of those people that the second I start talking to you, I'm like, Oh, I could talk to this person forever.
[00:08:24]
Leah: And you have this way of just getting me to share things that I literally would never share with anyone in my entire life. Like there's something about you that the first time I met you, I'm like, I'm going to just share this, like things that I wouldn't tell some of my closest friends. I just am blurting out to you.
[00:08:41]
Leah: So you have this ability that's really grounding, but then also just allows people to open up and it's really special. So I'm excited you're here today because I think that literally everyone in the world needs to know you and witness your work and be in your containers because you like. You are, you are that bitch. Like, you are the best.
[00:09:01]
Sam: I do. Oh my gosh, Leah, this is so sweet. Well, I'm, one, definitely feel a soul connection with you. And I, second, I love that you share those things with me and I'm grateful for it. Yeah, I mean it.
[00:09:15]
Leah: So Sam, tell us a little bit about like what you've been moving through in the past few months.
[00:09:20]
Leah: I, I mean, there's been so much and it's been really fun connecting with you because you are experiencing so much change and, And unknown territory right now that it's just cool to catch up with you because it's like, where's Sam? Where is she living now? What's she up to? What is she moving through? What are the lessons she's learning?
[00:09:37]
Leah: And, um, I think that so many people would benefit from hearing about the story because I have shared your story of what you've gone through and we'll get into it with. Like close friends of mine because it's been that impactful.
[00:09:50]
Sam: Thank you. Well, yeah. So the last few weeks have been or months have been really transformative.
[00:09:57]
Sam: Coming at the end of a like very transformative several years. So I'll briefly back up and say, let's see about. Three years ago, I was practicing law full time in New York City. I was working on a large law firm. Um, it's called Big Law is the type of firm. I was doing securities litigation, all sorts of civil litigation.
[00:10:18]
Sam: It was very rigorous work and I was learning a lot. The lawyers I worked with were exceptional, but it was very demanding and not very fulfilling for me. And so right around now, like it was, Maybe even it was the end of July, which is when we're recording this, I put in my notice that I was going to be leaving the firm at the end of August and I quit my job without really any sort of plan and all these savings because I had thought I would go travel and quit to travel, but Covid had started and I was like, I'm not going to a permaculture farm in Costa Rica or to like India anytime soon.
[00:10:56]
Sam: So I use that savings to just live and decided to take a few months because I knew I needed it. A reset. I was getting excited about human design. I had been paying attention to it for a few years and noticing I'm a manifesting generator that I was in a lot of frustration That my body didn't feel good that I wanted work that felt fulfilling and satisfying And I knew I needed to create space for the universe to send me the next thing And I started studying human design then I'd taken my first human design course after I quit And then that ended Bringing me on a path.
[00:11:29]
Sam: I was already very much in my spiritual awakening and my spiritual inquiry And that put me on a path towards human design, then energy healing, woman circles, um, I've taught many human design classes, I've done now like hundreds of readings, I don't even do a ton of human design anymore, I now mostly do coaching and somatic work all around confidence and self love and finding purpose and living like an intentional, authentic life, I think authenticity is a huge theme for me and in my life, And so at that point I was in a long term partnership, my partner and I at the time moved to Vermont, um, for something for his work and I was just chugging along, that's when I met Leah, building my business called Wild River, and I was planning to get married in April, April 1st, and all of a sudden, like three weeks before the wedding, I had this massive Awakening that this was not the right relationship for me was really happy in many ways in the relationship.
[00:12:33]
Sam: There are many ways in which I felt supported and very loved and there were many ways in which my needs were not being met and where I was dismissing them. Where I wasn't being honest with myself or my partner about them, um, as well as some other things, but there was no like big thing like there was no, you know, infidelity or anything like that.
[00:12:53]
Sam: It was just all of a sudden I literally realized, wait a minute, I need to take a look at this and make sure that I want to make this commitment and I took several days to do that. It was extremely. Gut wrenching and hard. And I came out the other side with a level of clarity that this was not the right relationship for me.
[00:13:16]
Sam: I had lots of conversations with my partner at that time, considering different options, considering his perspectives and decided to break up and to leave and called off the wedding, emailed everybody it was two weeks before, packed up what I needed. Um, and got on a plane and left Vermont and went to Arizona.
[00:13:36]
Sam: Wow. And it was. Wild it was definitely the bravest thing I've ever done. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and it was also the most painful. There's something that I'm such a big fan of. Living authentically and that's absolutely what I needed to do to honor what I want out of my life, even though I Loved and love that person so much and one of the hardest parts about living authentically that I don't think we talk about a lot Is it often results in needing to hurt people?
[00:14:11]
Sam: We'd love because often our truth is not compatible with theirs And it's not you know, I do believe this will be the best for both of us long term but It is just a very difficult thing to realize, like the thing that's best for me is going to devastate someone I love more than anything. Yeah, yeah. And the issues in the relationship, I, I, I won't share them here or ever anywhere ever publicly because it's just not my story to share.
[00:14:43]
Sam: It's too personal. But they're like. Typical things like they're not, they're things that I think pretty most couples or many couples experience and I remember just being like, okay, once I do this, it's going to be a lot harder to turn the ship around and it was really interesting. We're in the gate of doubt.
[00:15:04]
Sam: Um, it was, which is a transit and a human design transit. The, yeah. For anybody kind of new to human design that there's basically always these different energies on the planet. There's like a, a human design or astrological weather and the prominent. Like whether that week was all about doubt and having a lot of questions, but I didn't share that doubt with my partner at the time.
[00:15:29]
Sam: I just, I didn't want to give him something to be insecure about. And the thing that shifted, I think was, it was like all the things. We're going to lead to the breakup. I knew about and what shifted was I had been telling myself for a long time. I can accept those like these eyes. This isn't a huge deal for me.
[00:15:50]
Sam: I don't care about those. Some of them. Some of them are like, no, I do care and I'm going to need these to shift and then. All of a sudden, I just realized like, no, I care about all of this and the version of the life that I want is a version where these needs are met and they're prioritized and that they're fulfilled and I think I was diminishing a lot about what was important to me, I think in partnership can be really easy to look at things that are wrong and long term and be like, This isn't the, this isn't a good enough reason to break up and that's not really the right question to be asking the question to be asking is what do I want in my life and what is this highest version of me and is this relationship supporting me or can we co create like an evolution to help it support me and is everybody on board to do that?
[00:16:41]
Sam: Yeah. And, um, it can be very hard to face. When your needs aren't being met, because once you have that information, it can feel overwhelming. Like, wow, now I need to get these met. And it can stir up a lot of self worth stuff.
[00:16:58]
Leah: You believe that if you get to that point in a relationship where you're like, okay, wow, like I have all these needs not being met.
[00:17:05]
Leah: And I think a lot of people get afraid because like you said, like, especially if you've been in a long term relationship, it's like you've built so much together and you have so much history and, you know, friendships that are baked into the relationship. And, you know, you're connected to their families and all of that stuff.
[00:17:21]
Leah: I think that's what makes things even harder. Or if you have children and. For pets, right? Like all of that can just add these nuances. So do you believe at some point, like in your journey, if you would have learned, like, okay, you had your, those values, do you think that people can work in relationships to get those values met and to continue on?
[00:17:45]
Leah: Or do you think that there becomes a point where it's like, you have to, It's like it's undoable. It's been too deep and this person isn't going to meet those values.
[00:17:54]
Sam: I think needs can totally be met. And I think that was one of my major failings and something I really take accountability for where there are certain ones where I did not give him the opportunity to meet them.
[00:18:05]
Sam: Because I didn't really express that they were important to me. Express it a little bit, like, oh, I'd like to do more of this or have this. But it wasn't, I didn't really own to myself that I was important. And if you don't own it to yourself, then it's very hard for the other person to meet that. Yeah. Um, there are other ones.
[00:18:22]
Sam: I'm, I'm going to think of an example. That, okay, so this, my, one of the best things about my partnership and I, my partner and I, is we had a really strong intellectual connection and really strong emotional connection. But let's say you're in a relationship where there wasn't really that intellectual stimulation and you decided you wanted it.
[00:18:43]
Sam: That could be a hard one to grow to, you know, it's not like, oh, I need, I wish you were more involved with the dishes or like, can you cook more dinners like that one's maybe a habit shift and that can take some time and that can create partnership or domestic division of labor is significant, but that might be a little bit easier than like, you were I want to have more intellectual conversations with you, because if someone's not interested in those sorts of topics or those things don't flow, like that might be a hard one to grow.
[00:19:16]
Sam: And so that's where it gets scary, because if you realize, like, oh, that's you might be telling yourself, like, I don't really care about intellectual conversations. I have other friends. I read books. I have book club like I go to work. That satisfies. And then over years, you realize, no, it doesn't satisfy.
[00:19:34]
Sam: Then you start to wonder like, okay, well, do I have to do something about this? I think that was a big thing for me is I didn't want to look at it fully and fully honor how it's feeling because I think at a subconscious level, if I did that. Then I would feel like I had to do something with the information and I was not ready to do that.
[00:19:54]
Sam: I did not have the sense of self trust and the confidence and the courage to act on that. Had I had that info and what I coach a lot of people right now around relationships and what I'm often inviting people into is let the truth bloom. You don't have to do anything with the truth, so let's say you realize like I think I might care about intellectual curiosity and you're like, okay, we'll look for it and see if it's in your relationship and maybe you instigate it and invite it and invite your partner to a workshop with you or to a lecture.
[00:20:29]
Sam: Or document, watch a documentary and you see if it's there, let the truth bloom and just see. And then you don't have to end the relationship because of that. You might say, look, this part isn't really meeting a need, but like my needs are met in so many ways. And I'm ultimately going, I'm deciding to move on.
[00:20:49]
Sam: It is important to me more important than I said, but I don't have to do anything with this rather than be like, well, if I look, I'm going to have to break up with him. So I'm just not going to look.
[00:20:59]
Leah: Yeah, so interesting because I feel like I love the way that you worded that in terms of youth. Like there are ways there's different things in our relationships that can be met through just expressing your needs.
[00:21:09]
Leah: And then, you know, like you said, inviting them to a workshop, seeing if that sparked something in them and trying some things out or. You know, or like you said, you couldn't get that fulfilled in another way. Like I definitely believe in like soulmates and twin flames and karmic relationships, but I also believe that really strong relationships, like, I don't think there is a perfect, like this person meets everything.
[00:21:31]
Leah: And, and I'm sure there are cases where people are like, this person does meet absolutely every single need that I have met. But I, I do feel like we have so many relationships, like, You know, for example, like my partner is not like he is interested in human design. He will talk to me about it. He believes in what I do and we'll have conversations here and there about it.
[00:21:52]
Leah: But like the way that I talked to you about human design, like that's not going to be met by my partner of what I love for him to be into human design and like love it so much. One million percent, but it's like, then you find that in like so many other relationships too, where it's like, you have to identify, I guess, like, where are your needs that need to be met in this relationship?
[00:22:11]
Leah: And where are your needs that need to be met? Maybe somewhere else. Like, maybe you just need like a friend and a different soul relationship in a different capacity.
[00:22:19]
Sam: So I will have a podcast episode out on my podcast called Wild River, probably. By time this comes out, I haven't recorded it yet, but it'll probably come out end of August, early September, and I'm going to be speaking in a lot more detail about like assessing needs and all of this.
[00:22:36]
Sam: So if anybody's listening is like this is hitting something, listen to that episode. Yeah. What I firmly believe is that it is not only unrealistic, but like not what you want to have a partner to meet to like. Try to fulfill every need that you have in the world because that's the beauty of being in community And that's the beauty of having these different relationships where this person is so incredible to talk about this sole topic And this person is so fun to go out with and this person you really love their insights And this was really easy to be around there's so much levity And of course, it's wonderful when you have friends that embody a lot of those different things and there are non negotiables for a partnership And I entered this relationship at 23 years old.
[00:23:20]
Sam: I'm almost 31. The things that I was thinking about in partnership are different than what they are now. I've evolved a lot. My values and what I want in the world has changed. And it can be really hard to figure that out when you're in a relationship because it's scary to question a long term relationship.
[00:23:40]
Sam: And that's another thing that I've learned. I would really encourage anyone in it to like question anything like notice. Are you making excuses for yourself or your partner? Are there things that you're not telling your friends or your family or keeping because you're afraid of judgment or someone looking bad, including yourself?
[00:23:56]
Sam: Like you're afraid you're going to look bad. Are there thoughts that you like notice yourself having, but wouldn't say find someone safe? Can be a therapist or a coach or a professional or a really good friend where you could lay it all on the table because it's in that process that you identify what your needs are.
[00:24:13]
Sam: I had certain things that I kept telling me, like, no, I have friends that fulfill that. And then actually, like, I want my partner to, to do that. And then there are other ones that like, I'm actually totally fine with my partner. With my last partner was like you, like not super into human design. I'm very, very supportive of my business.
[00:24:33]
Sam: Incredibly supportive of it and incredibly supportive of me in it. But like, I don't need my next boyfriend to be obsessed with human design. Like I have plenty of people to talk about that. I do need them to be, you know, there are other things that are really important to me. Like I do think it's important that they really genuinely want to get to know my friends or sincerely support my interests.
[00:24:55]
Leah: Yeah, 100%. I love this conversation. I think it's so important. It doesn't, it's not talked about enough. And so that's why it's been so inspiring to watch you go through this really transformative change. And I was witnessing so many people separate. And I think that's a huge theme this year. And actually, and I always say this on my podcast, like I'm not an astrologer, but.
[00:25:16]
Leah: I know enough to be dangerous. And I know that this week there's actually Venus and retrograde, and there's a lot of like relationship stuff coming up. So, um, and I think by the time this podcast episode is still out, it should be still in the shadow period. I was just listening to an astrologer talk about this this morning that I think until October will be in the shadow of like this massive retrograde.
[00:25:36]
Leah: And it's a lot of related to relationships and reinventing ourselves and really thinking about, like you said, our needs. So very timely that all of this is coming to fruition. And what I was trying to say was I had a friend back in March who it was like, right after I talked to you, she's FaceTiming me.
[00:25:53]
Leah: And she's like, I want to end my three year relationship with someone that she like lives with. And I'm like, what is going on? Because that happened. And then I was hosting one of my circles and. I had another friend who was questioning her relationship. I had another, um, girl who was at the circle who she just, her relationship ended from the guy basically ending it with her.
[00:26:14]
Leah: And it was like, and I shared in my circle, I shared about you, I go, I've had a friend who just ended a marriage. I have another friend who's sending a long term relationship. I don't know what's happening astrologically, date of doubt what's happening, but it's like, everyone is kind of. It seems like people are coming to really, really realizing, you know, what they need.
[00:26:35]
Leah: And so now that like, after someone gets to that point, which is important, you evaluate what's, you know, a yes or no for you and how to work with that. What has it been like just navigating being single again and rediscovering, you know, what does make. What is valuable to you and maybe rediscovering relationships, um, that you have in your life and maybe your friendships and then also just like within yourself.
[00:27:00]
Sam: Yeah. The biggest thing with the ending this relationship with my last partner was this realization of even if he made all the shifts that was within his control, something just didn't feel right. It was just an intuitive knowing like this is not right here. Something does not feel right. Because I think he could have made those shifts.
[00:27:23]
Sam: Um, there's a question of, do you want someone to have to change that much? Is that the right fit? I think with a lot of long term relationships, especially ones that started when you're young, it's like you find yourself stuffing them into spaces where they no longer fit. And it's like, this may no longer fit.
[00:27:40]
Sam: The people that we both have evolved to. We may no longer have chosen ourselves. And so that's a big thing in my kind of post the breakup and integrating it and reflecting on it is what are the ways that I love? What did I? What did I love about him as a person? What did I love about him as a partner?
[00:28:00]
Sam: What did I love about myself in our relationship? Like, what are the ways that I'm really happy with the way I showed up? What are the ways that I'm not happy with the ways I showed up that shows some limiting beliefs or some patterns or resentment or whatever it was that I want to correct? How do I want to be better as a supportive partner?
[00:28:18]
Sam: And what are ways that I was not happy about the way that I felt in the relationship together. So like, what am I looking for? And I, I've made lists and like really reflecting on what I want in the future. I think this whole thing is like, okay, now I'm, I'm, I'm looking at this as a, you know, almost 31 year old, not a 23 year old who's had an entire awakening.
[00:28:43]
Sam: Who's invested an incredible amount of. Yeah, a Saturn return. Seriously. A whole like legal career in the now a coaching career. I, uh, you know, have invested so much energy and resources into myself exploration and to strengthening my sense of self and what I want out of my life. And so I have way more clarity about what I'm looking for and way more clarity about my standards and what I will need from you.
[00:29:13]
Sam: Partnerships in the future and what I want out of all aspects of my life to. Be worth it and to, because being single rocks, like, first off, it's so fun. I mean, I'm in a special place of fun, but okay. So this is what I've been up to after I, we broke up. I went back to Arizona, which is where I'm from, spent a few weeks at my parents house, and then I moved in with my sister who also had recently been in a breakup and like the.
[00:29:40]
Sam: Timing of it worked out really well so I could kind of slide into her house and I had this great setup in Denver. One of my favorite places. I have tons of friends there. All my favorite things I like to do are really popular in Denver. So it's really easy to meet people. I spent two and a half months there.
[00:29:54]
Sam: It was and that's where we met up. We met up, we had such a fun. You realize.
[00:29:59]
Leah: Sam is so much taller than she looks online.
[00:30:03]
Sam: I know.
[00:30:04]
Leah: I was like, wait, you're tall. I thought you were just as short as I am. I know.
[00:30:09]
Sam: I'm not that little. And people are always surprised that I'm not. They're like, I envision you like 5'3 And I'm like, no, I'm like 5'6 5'7 Yeah, we went to a great lunch at Nurture.
[00:30:18]
Sam: One of my favorite places in Denver. Um, great, like healthy cafe for anyone there who's like interested in spiritual stuff. They do cool workshops. And I just had an awesome time. I got to spend time with, I think it would have been really difficult leaving a partnership that was also my best friend and my Then being with people who didn't really know me, but I moved in with my sister who I'm also best friends with and knows me so well.
[00:30:42]
Sam: And so I didn't have this massive gap of I feel really isolated in the world and no one understands me, which I think would be really easy to feel after that. I moved in with someone who just knows me so well, who's so supportive and incredibly fun. And whose friend group just totally embrace me and totally took me in.
[00:31:00]
Sam: And so it was just a really fun, I said yes to everything. I went to so many concerts, so much, so many times out, like probably too much. And then towards the end, I was like, okay, this has been fun, but I'm ready to walk. Realist in a little bit and do a little bit less partying and a little bit. Not that I was over drink, like drinking too much, but just too frequently.
[00:31:22]
Sam: And like, just not balancing my energy between all of my own needs. I wasn't exercising as much as I wanted, like the first six weeks after the breakup, I'd recommend this for anybody exiting a long term breakup or other big things like a layoff or a big career, any sort of big. Massive shift focus on your life force.
[00:31:42]
Sam: And I would suggest doing this for at least the three months after. And by that, I mean, what makes you feel vibrant and alive? So your physical body, your exercise, your nutrition, your sleep, your emotional and spiritual body, your mental health, what makes you feel confident? Are you getting enough support in that journaling is really.
[00:32:00]
Sam: Really valuable and then your community and and then doing things that you love that make you feel alive in yourself Anything that's really making you numb out is not going to be great for this because you want to be in your feelings That's what cultivates vibrancy and that gave me this like great boot like Buoyancy for the first six weeks.
[00:32:20]
Sam: And then I was having so much fun that I was like, not focused as much on some of my physical health and other parts of my well being. And I started to have more wobbles. And I started to just feel really a lot, really sad about the breakup and that's natural and normal. But then I kind of was like, okay, I totally okay to feel sad, but I want to feel sad from a place of Like support and not from like a hangover.
[00:32:46]
Leah: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I think that a lot of times too I mean they say that the science of love I read this book. It's called love sense if you haven't read it Sam I definitely recommend it anyone listening I read this years ago and a little bit about my story is I dated a guy for like seven years From like into middle school high school into college and it was a horrible relationship.
[00:33:07]
Leah: I mean He was cheating on me constantly and it was just a really bad relationship. And I remember when I was single for the first time, I was very unstable. I felt like a wobble constantly. And then I read this book and I read this and I was reading it while I entered into my second relationship that I was in for a couple of years.
[00:33:26]
Leah: And but this, this book talks a lot about the science of love and how when we go through breakups, we feel, um, it's like a drug essentially, and like how they've done research on, we literally like we're wired for connection that gets like literally the books called the science of why love makes sense, love sense, um, because we're wired for loving connection.
[00:33:49]
Leah: And so when that's ripped away from us, either from our doing or. Or, um, you know, from a relationship ending and maybe like a more dramatic way or a partner ending it with you, we experience a lot, we experienced like a hangover feeling in general, but we also, if you're like experienced that, like something's missing and it's like, I need my fix, I need that like sort of drug, and so I like what you're saying, like, don't numb out because I think what a lot of people end up doing is they exit a relationship and then they party a lot.
[00:34:20]
Leah: And which isn't a horrible thing all the time, but it's like you want to make sure, like you said, you want to take care of that life force within you. Because if you don't, then you're going to find that you're not meeting. You're not taking care of this withdrawal that you're going through in the most supportive way.
[00:34:38]
Leah: And it's going to keep coming up and you're going to keep having these. Really intense feelings. So, so yeah. So it's kind of sounds like, I mean, obviously that's what you were going through in its own pattern or like the five stages of grief, right? Like everyone kind of goes through it at some variation.
[00:34:53]
Sam: Yeah. And I, in some ways I'm still in it and I expect to be, you know, I'm navigating my own, like. Disappointment or embarrassment or anger at myself, anger at that last part partner, but when I'm caring for myself, I'm just way more equipped and that's why it's important, like. To care for yourself and to focus on that life force so you can feel and not have to numb out because if you're not caring for yourself, the feeling will get so intense.
[00:35:26]
Sam: It will rock you like there are times and I felt like I was like being ripped into within myself and it felt so it was and I was like genuinely pretty good. Like people are kind of like, Whoa, you seem. Like really good, like kind of better than we imagined. Yeah, I kept getting that and it was true. I was and part of that is because I have a really strong foundation for self trust and like care generally caring for myself and just like a lot of natural positivity.
[00:35:54]
Sam: I have a lot of beautiful parts about my life and part of it was I was having these wobbles, but they're happening in moments like they weren't all the time. And so I wasn't just like in my bed for six weeks. I'd be like feeling great. And then every few days have a few hours where I would feel really, really sad.
[00:36:12]
Sam: And I noticed that when I wasn't caring for myself, I, I was feeling sad, not just for a few hours, but like all day or for many days that the intensity of the feeling was So big that it felt like I was ripping into when you're in that place and you'll reach for anything to make that go in. I didn't in that.
[00:36:34]
Sam: I just leaned into it, but I'm more quick than most people because it's what this is like what I do for a living. Yeah, you do like work motions. Yeah.
[00:36:43]
Leah: That said, so what are some of the ways that you lean into yourself? Cause I think we hear that a lot, like lean in, you know, hold space, sit with your emotions, but like, what is like, what can we do with that?
[00:36:53]
Leah: Like, I'm sure you can just sit and cry, which is 100 percent supportive, but like, what are your ways of leaning in? What practices do you have?
[00:37:01]
Sam: So the number one thing for me is I think it's really important to give my body space to show me those emotions and to feel it. And so my, I trust my body will know when it's time to feel.
[00:37:15]
Sam: And I also have an emotional wave in human science. I have this constant internal emotional. Motor, not everybody experience is emotions like I do, but for me, my body will feel naturally on its own. And so my job is to make sure it has safe, consistent space to do that. If I'm ignoring or not creating space, so not creating space would be like.
[00:37:37]
Sam: Always listening to content, like always having music on, always having a podcast on or a TV, packing your schedule so much that there's just like no quiet time, uh, drinking frequently or using wheat, like smoking weed or any else. That's like a numbing function and just generally not creating any time.
[00:37:57]
Sam: Quiet time solo time timer. The body still is often where the emotions will bubble up and show you. And so I have found it incredibly beneficial to have a. Regular practice, probably about five days a week where I have a meditation. It can be five to 15 minutes. My mind might be going the whole time. Like I might be getting distracted. That’s not the point.
[00:38:20]
Leah: Now, are you meditating with music? Or are you just silently just sitting with your eyes closed? Just Breathing
[00:38:26]
Sam: both. Sometimes I meditate with music and sometimes I just breathe and then, and I have a timer, so I don't have to look at my phone because when I look at my phone, I ended up getting on like Tik TOK or something.
[00:38:37]
Sam: So I have like a clock or a timer up. I bought on Amazon. I do that. And then I often have it. I have a tea ceremony practice. I drink this really amazing tea from this brand called living tea. That's kind of like a whole thing. But you could, um, I really like tea because it drops me in, but you could also do a little bit of breath work or just do the meditation.
[00:38:57]
Sam: And then I just journal and I say, what's on my heart? What am I feeling? And often, I would just, the emotions would just come up and then as they come up, I breathe into them. I try to locate where they are in my body and I ask, like, is there anything you want me to know about this? I treat it as a conversation with me and my body and me and my emotions.
[00:39:20]
Sam: And sometimes it's like, I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I just miss him or my cat. I, or it's like. There's something more directed like it's not actually that general. It's like a lesson or something. I need to pay attention to and this process of this regular check in makes it so it doesn't build up Yeah, if I'm not doing that for like a week all of a sudden it'll get really intense and that's when it feels to stabilizing The other core practices that I do are I regularly get outside and get in go on walks like every day and I try to get in Actual nature routinely, um, like once a week now at this, the last few weeks, like every other day or all the time being a ton.
[00:40:06]
Sam: And I think movement and exercise and dance has been really, really beneficial. And then I talked, the big one is I try to let myself be seen in my emotions. So I was feeling like ashamed. That I did it. I like allowed I didn't express my needs. I think of myself as a pretty self aware person. And I was like, how did I not express this?
[00:40:28]
Sam: And I like talk to people that I could about that and like allowed myself to be sad in front of them. And then that like them holding space and then sharing back. Allowed me to like process and release those feelings.
[00:40:42]
Leah: Yeah, thank you for sharing those practices. I think those are so helpful and everyone needs to have a practice of tapping into like, you know, their emotions and how to work through things because we hear that so often.
[00:40:55]
Leah: Again, like we hear, you know, you have to sit with them and what does that look like? And. I think a lot of times people are more oriented towards again, like, what can I do and what's the tool? So it's like number one, just sit down without, with or without music and just sit and just hear what's coming up with your eyes closed and then open your eyes and journal and then maybe close your eyes again and then keep journaling or go for a walk.
[00:41:21]
Leah: Exercise, just feel your feelings with supportive people. I think that can also be challenging for people too because when they made the decision or they, it's like a lot of people carry shame for things and then so they feel like they can't feel bad, which just adds more layers to people not actually expressing what's moving through them because you're allowed to feel all the things that you're feeling.
[00:41:43]
Leah: But Sam, I also wanted to just say, listening to you on the other side of all of this. I mean, I'm just so proud of you. Like it, it takes, and I know I've told you this before, but it really takes so much courage to do what you did. And I know that there are people in your life who don't understand. And there are people who maybe might be listening and not understand like the audacity or, or, you know, family members on both sides of your life that have just been like, what in the world?
[00:42:13]
Leah: And what you stand for is being so authentic is so evident. And. I love witnessing this and just being in your energy because it's like you are so authentic and you're so true to what makes you, you, and it's so cool to watch someone be. So I don't want to say fearless because there's obviously fears associated with these, but a little bit fearless and take the courage to do things that people don't do and to live a life.
[00:42:41]
Leah: That's like, this is why I want to do something that's authentic to me. And Really owning that versus, you know, just talking about it and then not actually living it. So, I give you so much props and just kudos for what you've moved through and seeing you now really integrate these lessons. It's just really beautiful to witness.
[00:43:01]
Sam: Leah. For anybody considering a breakup, like everybody's life and path is literally so different. So, I would never point to anyone and be like, look how good it worked out for me, it will for you. Yeah. But, I will say. I just had, it happened very fast, it was extremely difficult, I like barely ate for a week, I was just so upset, and so sad, and once I got to that clarity, it took several days, which is relatively short, but I was working on a clock here, because of the impending wedding, um, once I got to that clarity, I just knew, and I've never regretted it, I felt sad that it, There was this wreckage, I felt sad about what I imagined this, my last partner experience during that.
[00:43:53]
Sam: You know, I feel sad for him, like all of that, but, but I definitely do not regret it. I have felt a level of energy and lightness in my life and so much has opened up for me. And I feel that I'm able to be present in a way that I have never experienced before. I mean, probably I did as a child, but I've never experienced in my adult life right now.
[00:44:16]
Sam: I, so I lived in Denver, then I sold almost. Sold or donated almost everything I owned, except what I could fit in my Subaru. I had a three bedroom apartment, so I had a lot of stuff. And I got rid of almost all of it, except what I really, my essentials and things that I love, packed it in my car, drove from Vermont to Denver.
[00:44:37]
Sam: And we're there for a little bit. And then I've been driving around the American West. I went to Jackson Hole. I went to a yogurt festival in Aspen, a rafting trip. I got sworn into the California bar. I'm also, I'm a lawyer. And I, that was like kind of funny because I took the bar years ago, but I finally got sworn in.
[00:44:54]
Sam: So maybe when I saw that on your Instagram and, uh, and now I'm spending the next five weeks in the Pacific Northwest, I'm might stay longer because I. Just love it here. I feel very connected. It's a mix. I get to decide what do I really want to live? Where do I want to live next? What do I want my daily life to look like?
[00:45:15]
Sam: And I get full autonomy to choose that because I work remotely as a coach and a healer. And then I also do contract environmental law work. Um, that's remote. I get to I had this amazing flexibility and I'm so glad my life did not used to look like this, but I've always wanted it to, I always used to get jealous of people who lived in vans or digital nomads.
[00:45:36]
Sam: And it felt so far from me. I'm like, how can I ever be a lawyer and do that? And then I took the leaps and, and really amazing legal. I've been five months. Look at you. Yeah, came in and then I realized, Oh my gosh, I want to start my own business and that happened and it there's been like challenging parts of all of this, but it has felt amazing and I feel just this sense of freedom and the sense of peace every single day.
[00:46:06]
Leah: I have a question because you are for one in human design and I've been thinking about this so much as you've been moving through this and I don't know that I've actually talked to you about this. How do you feel like your profile has been a part of this? And those of you listening, if you are a for one in your human design profile, you have a fixed life path to basically get into it.
[00:46:26]
Leah: If your profile right angles or anyone who have a smaller number before the it. There's a smaller number for the second number, which would be bigger than that. And then a left angle or six,
[00:46:35]
Sam: like a four, six or a three, five or one, four, you guys are all right angles. Yes.
[00:46:41]
Leah: And then a, um, but then a left angle is like me, like a five one.
[00:46:45]
Leah: So the, the first number is bigger than the second number. So that's like a five, one, a six, three, six, two. Um, and so the four one has this like very unique sort of, uh, incarnation cross and profile where it's like, they have this fixed life theme where not much can really take them off of their life path.
[00:47:03]
Leah: They always will kind of end up back where they're meant to be. And so I'm just curious how you feel like this plays
[00:47:09]
Sam: into that. It's such a good question, Leah. Um, one of Leah and I's friends, Nadia Last, who's also a human design writer, always like talks that like, I feel your foreign energy. And it's hard because 401s are only like 2 or 3 percent of the population.
[00:47:24]
Sam: And there's not Many other readers, so I don't have who are this that I'm aware of. So I don't have like people to talk to to compare notes because I also just have a very defined G center. I have like eight gates activated in the G center, five gate placements, two channels, like My north node, south nodes on both sides.
[00:47:44]
Sam: First authenticity is so important for you. Yes, my moon, unconscious moon, definitely both moons. Like, I have just a ton of G Centers. That's also identity and a sense of self, which kind of plays in. But the way I view it is, absolutely. I have felt before, like, I am a train on my tracks. And we'll talk, people talk about that with this 401, this fixed fate energy.
[00:48:08]
Sam: That. It's, I feel like sometimes I'm tethered to like a string, like I'm on something pulling me forward and I can either drag my feet or I can skip or I can calmly walk, but it's going like I'm going. And so. It's going to be a lot less comfortable. I remember before I finally launched my coaching program, I'd wanted to start coaching for a while, but I was really scared and insecure.
[00:48:33]
Sam: And it had been like a year. And I remember being like, I think I need to do it. And my then partner was like, Sam, you always are scared and then you always do it. Because the things that you need to do like you're doing like you need to do that, but you're afraid to do is an indicator of the next thing you need to do.
[00:48:51]
Sam: I know. Yeah, it's like you're you need to do it. And so and you keep you. I have this sense inside of me of like, okay, I'm I'm gonna have to aren't I because there's no world in which I'm living in a. Really restricted inauthentic way that I just ignore things that are so called like I'll get sick Like I feel stressed.
[00:49:11]
Sam: I feel anxious like my body starts to shut down. It doesn't work and so I find like I can either skip into coaching or I can like cry the whole time, but like I'm doing it. And I think there's something with that. These pings that I've always had, if I really want to travel a lot, I wanted to live out of a car at some point.
[00:49:30]
Sam: I'm not sleeping in my car. I, I'm, I'm lucky to have a lot of friends and family in the West. So I've gotten to stay with people and then camp. I've only had like one or two nights in a hotel the last month and I will probably rent rooms places like later on. And. I, but I love the freedom of it. I've always wanted to do that.
[00:49:51]
Sam: I've, there are things I want out of my life and I'm not really willing to compromise them. And I think that's something that can get like pedestaled a lot. Like she knows her work, like her worth, her boundaries, like she's doing it, but that can be pretty hard in a relationship. Cause it's like, if that person, your partner, isn't always going to want to do the same things.
[00:50:09]
Sam: And I'm not. Really willing to give up on them. Yeah. So that's what I've learned is that for my next partnership, I'm going to need to find somebody who is very aligned with the things that I want, that genuinely wants them to. So we're not always in this battle of like, you either choose yourself or you choose your partner.
[00:50:30]
Sam: I am going to need. Them to be aligned. Yeah.
[00:50:33]
Leah: Yeah. So interesting to hear because yeah, I mean, like you said, four ones are few and far between. So it's always interesting having that conversation with someone who is a four one. The example I always give is like Tom Brady is a four one. And so there's a couple other famous people.
[00:50:48]
Leah: That's the only one that came to mind right now. But it's interesting to watch people kind of always fall back on the path that's meant for them. And just curious how that fell into what you're moving through. But yeah, Sam, it's so cool just to hear everything that you've been coming to terms with, everything that you've been up to, and so many just beautiful nuggets that you shared in here today about really loving yourself and walking in your authentic path.
[00:51:16]
Leah: What are ways in which people can work with you? If they are looking for some support.
[00:51:21]
Sam: The best way to feel me out is to book a one on one call called the clarity call. And there's 75 minutes. I do channeling. I do human design. I need some somatic stuff. I do coaching. And I love these calls because they just blend all the different modalities you can.
[00:51:41]
Sam: Select in the intake form to be like, I really want to focus on human design or I'd really love to focus on channeling or whatever, but I love it because you can come in with whatever the intention is and whatever you are wanting. Maybe you're like, I really want to clarify my gifts or I'm thinking about exiting a relationship or I want to work on trusting myself more or I want to feel more authentic.
[00:52:02]
Sam: Like, what did that look like? You just let me know. What is the pull here? Like anything about that? And then I have a really good sense of your human design. Is going to be really helpful here or let's do let's tap into your spirit guides and do some channeling. They have something to tell you or just some more traditional like mindset questioning challenging that can be really powerful.
[00:52:29]
Sam: So that's a great place to start. I have a coaching program. I call it Sunbeam and we work on a lot of the themes. People come for all different reasons. Sometimes it's like they're working on a greater sense of intimacy and sexual empowerment. Sometimes it's sharing their voice. Sometimes it's self love and not being mean to themselves, feeling more purpose or direction.
[00:52:49]
Sam: Like it's varied, but I work with people every week or every other week. I have all my info about that on my website, wildriver. live. And then another good place to get into my world is just to listen to my podcast, um, Wild River. I've been on hiatus, but I'm coming back this like late summer, early fall.
[00:53:10]
Sam: It's going to be really fun. I'll be talking a lot more detail about this stuff. I'd love to have you. I love Leah. If you love Leah. I love you
[00:53:19]
Leah: honestly, and if you guys are in Sam's world, I'm inviting you to just tap in because you're such an incredible coach and I, I've never personally had a, one of your clarity calls, but I don't even feel like I need to, because when I talk to you, she brings, it's like, if you're a friend of Sam's, she brings that to every conversation she has with you and, and also those of you listening, I will have released an episode with Emily, the medium.
[00:53:43]
Leah: Um, My mentor before this episode comes out, and that was also someone who mentored Sam. So if you liked Emily and you like the work that we did together, then you'll also just love being in Sam's world because she takes kind of that energy. She blends it with human design and then all the other somatic and beautiful work that you do.
[00:54:02]
Leah: So you're definitely just someone to get involved with because you have such a good. Just grounding energy that I just think you're going to help the world in so many ways. And you do have an incredible podcast, which is like the best free resource and I tap into your podcast. So definitely tune into that.
[00:54:21]
Leah: But Sam, thank you again. We'll link everything down below so people can find your website and your Instagram and. And all the good stuff, but thank you so much for taking your afternoon to chat with me.
[00:54:31]
Sam: Thank you so much, Leah, for having me. Thank you for anyone who listened. And, um, I'm grateful to be a part of your life, Leah, and to be in the ears of anyone who's spent some time with us.
